Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
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I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”