Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
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Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Does beer think about me too?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?