My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
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Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.