me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
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me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.