Schrödinger’s cookie
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God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat