A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
My favorite farside!!
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.