He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.