Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Baking is just science you can eat.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.