The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!