legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
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Don’t frighten the programmers!
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty