A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed