Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.