You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
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Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I love art.