So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
No Google it does not
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?