I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
$3 #books
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy