Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.