I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize