“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
You Might Also Like
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
LOL