Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
You Might Also Like
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats