I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
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Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.