if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.