Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.