Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
“What movie?” 🤔
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is