I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.