Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.