“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?