[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
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Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”