People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
You Might Also Like
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Google assistant rules
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever