Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
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$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
British websites use biscuits.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Personal question. #JustSaying
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.