A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I wish I could veto my bills.