So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
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Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Friends that check up on you >
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.