me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
You Might Also Like
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
choose your fighter
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras