Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
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The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
🤣✨#caturday
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Sending in my taxes
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.