In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
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People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail