Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
incredible text to wake up to
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together