me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Lmao
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*