i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
ok this is my dumbest yet
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My birth announcement for our third baby
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.