Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
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I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro