When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.