[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
The “baby” on the left….
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.