I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
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taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.