I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
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*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’m about to risk it all
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”