How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
The options really are this bad
I’ve been drinking.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.