**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
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Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?