I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
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I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!