[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.