Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first