Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
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I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
meow