Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.