every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Every BBC series about the universe.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.